Thursday, May 13, 2010
So far this year I felt more myself, and more lost at the same time. I've felt in limbo for a very long time about a few things, and I still feel like I left myself behind and I can't remember where that place is or was, where I am me. Just me. I think I just wanted to shut everything out, and retreat, but I've retreated long enough. I'm not depressed, I know that feeling, this feeling, is just one of unease, and anxiety, and I'm normally not an anxious person.
I'm starting to become more aware that food is not just food for me, yeah I love it, and I'm much better controlling what I eat and stuff. But I'm always holding back from being committed enough to make that change, and get to goal.
When I was growing up, I was told I would always be fat in one way or another, and ugly. Thank you wonderful family! Not. But I never realised until now how much that affected me, and changed the happy girl I was, into someone else, someone scared, guarded, and who found her solace in food.
My shrink-man said the other day in relation to another topic entirely, that all I had to do was try something different, don't do what I normally do, because that forces the person to not behave how they normally would. And the whole situation changes. Everything changes.
Last year a friend and I went to a travel show, we got heaps of booklets and brochures. I put the bags behind a chair when I got home, and I've never been through them since. I would never have done that before, yes I'm still excited by more travel, and seeing so much more of the world. Yet those shiny brochures, just sit in the bag. I just can't force myself to look at them.
It's like I've stopped dreaming, and I really don't know why.
I've had a pretty rough week, so in part that is coming out above, but yes, I feel rather lost, and like I don't know myself at the moment, and that is an empty feeing, and one I don't want to flood over me.