Thursday, May 13, 2010


So far this year I felt more myself, and more lost at the same time. I've felt in limbo for a very long time about a few things, and I still feel like I left myself behind and I can't remember where that place is or was, where I am me. Just me. I think I just wanted to shut everything out, and retreat, but I've retreated long enough. I'm not depressed, I know that feeling, this feeling, is just one of unease, and anxiety, and I'm normally not an anxious person.

I'm starting to become more aware that food is not just food for me, yeah I love it, and I'm much better controlling what I eat and stuff. But I'm always holding back from being committed enough to make that change, and get to goal.

When I was growing up, I was told I would always be fat in one way or another, and ugly. Thank you wonderful family! Not. But I never realised until now how much that affected me, and changed the happy girl I was, into someone else, someone scared, guarded, and who found her solace in food.

My shrink-man said the other day in relation to another topic entirely, that all I had to do was try something different, don't do what I normally do, because that forces the person to not behave how they normally would. And the whole situation changes. Everything changes.

Last year a friend and I went to a travel show, we got heaps of booklets and brochures. I put the bags behind a chair when I got home, and I've never been through them since. I would never have done that before, yes I'm still excited by more travel, and seeing so much more of the world. Yet those shiny brochures, just sit in the bag. I just can't force myself to look at them.

It's like I've stopped dreaming, and I really don't know why.

I've had a pretty rough week, so in part that is coming out above, but yes, I feel rather lost, and like I don't know myself at the moment, and that is an empty feeing, and one I don't want to flood over me.


Sara said...

Ah, aren't family lovely?? My Grandmother has a saying which she seems to think is hilarious. When introducing me and my sister to people she quite likes to say 'you can see that one got all the looks and one got all the brains'. This is her inept way of trying to tell people that one of us is smart (me) and one of us is pretty (my sister). However....

green ink said...

Oh fucking families, pardon my French. I was always told I'd be a big girl and be lucky to be a size 12 - I proved them wrong. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "gee, you're a big girl!" growing up I'd be a bloody millionaire.

I know the feeling your describe very well - and in starting my new novel this week have revisited it a lot, going through old diaries and transcribing for notes, etc. and remembering that girl I was, who had so many dreams and felt she had really lost herself, who she was and what she was going to do with her life. In some ways I still feel lost, because with leaving behind an old life and embracing a new one there are new challenges, new dreams, and you always have to keep on top of your issues.

When you say you've "stopped dreaming", I don't think you have. Maybe you've just started believing that in your current life and situation there is no way that those dreams can happen, and so you've switched off.

It's normal to feel this way when you've been through some huge changes in life - and give yourself credit here, you have. You've moved to a new country, started a new life and made some huge strides in living life as the real you. That all takes a lot of energy and courage. It runs out sometimes. You need to recharge them batteries.

I don't need to tell you that you really can make everything happen that you want. It might take some time. There might be some other things you need to deal with first. But when the time comes you will know and you can leap! Don't ever, ever give up.

I'm always here if you want a chat.


kathrynoh said...

I felt like that for a lot of last year but am slowly coming back to life. Sometimes it's enough just be in maintenance mode (I don't mean diet-wise but life in general).

Rand(Om) Bites said...

Oh yeah, I know that feeling well and had it for a good part of last year and even this but I've shaken myself out of it now. The girls above have said it all and I think your shrink man is right too, try something different. It doesn't have to be huge different, maybe even just a different path you go to work. New things will happen along the way and re-inspire you because you will be looking at things differently. To be lost is to find yourself again and that's kinda exciting.