Monday, June 6, 2011

this blog will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2....

follow me here

this blog will be shutting up shop before the end of the week.


Monday, May 30, 2011

the tipping point or how i came to finally figure it out upsidedown

I've been busy, it's the busiest period at work for the whole year, it should be back to normal busy at the end of June!

Also after months of just working I finally added some other activities in my life, yoga and japanese.

Japanese is going okay, it a course for travellers and I am still terrified I am not going to be able to communicate at all in 8 weeks. My teacher assures me I will be fine.

I've also been participating in a beginners yoga course, and loving it. This week, however not so much, and now we come to the title of the post, and then some.

We did a series of cleansing poses tonight, and it just made me feel sad, I could have easily just started to cry, i'm not sure if they were meant to be those kind of cleansing poses or to be honest if they even exist, but yes, I had to try and keep it in.

Then she gave us the option to hang upside down on this swing thing, whilst locked into the wall.

thoughts running through my head.

no fucking way
shouldn't have had that milo dude.
no fucking way
hmm how much weight does that wall hold.
teacher: lucinda relax your face ;-)
what if i get stuck then flip on my arse, or get tangled.
teacher explains the move, explains that wall is reinforced.
thought to self, hmm hmm, no fucking way.
watch half class do it.
do not want to break wall.
wall is reinforced dude, give it a go.
nuh uh.
second half class get up, i stay sitting on my cushion.
teacher turns round.
make eye contact which says for the love of god i ain't doing that, be on your way.
teacher meantions we can do it in our one on one class.
oddly i am okay with this, happy to break wall in private.

we do some relaxing poses to end.
i kind of want to cry, but not really.

people, this is the tipping point, light bulb moment, freaking hit over the head with a large object when i realised that me being fat doesn't hold me back from big goals like running marathons and stuff.

it's all that small shit, that adds up.

and it's finally starting to piss me off enough to do something about it.

i'm not sure if i should feel happy or sad about that, and that is okay.

feeling terrified i will break the wall when frankly i wasn't is not.

but the weight has to go, or i'm just going to miss out hanging upside down and seeing the world from a different perspective.

and i really want to do that.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

things i love thursday - the running and travel edition

japan - my planning for my august trip is in full swing, after spending plenty of time thinking about if i should go or not, i'm going. i'll be spending time in tokyo, kyoto, osaka and surrounds. if you want to catch up when i'm in the country, let me know!

canada - aha! my whv has been approved and i'll be heading off to live in Toronto for two years this October/November. yes, that will be two back to back winters, i know i know.

downsizing - i'm well aware that i came into NZ with a day pack and a back pack, and i'm hoping to head to canada that way as well, although i will be leaving a box of things i can't bear to give, sell, leave behind with one of my housemates to post when i am set up in Toronto, or at least have an address. Everything else? hello trade me! i'm going to slowly downsize during the year, rather than try and do it in six weeks like i did when i moved over from Australia.

chocolate - or rather lack of it, this i do not love. but with the no sugar rule firmly in place, except for two events, lone easter bunny next weekend, and a rest during trip japan. it along with a few other changes will hopefully have a good effect on my pcos.

running - my 4th half marathon is in a couple of weeks!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Vom Vom

The nausea from my medication has set in, currently i'm living on some toast, broth, and peppermint tea and tonight i'm going to attempt a bowl of steamed vegies, with more broth. To be honest I have no appetite and the only reason I am eating is that my medication has to be taken with food three times a day - bye bye snacks. Although I did also manage an apple today, good times.

I've made an appointment to see the dietician and metabolic typing dude next week and the week after. I'll feel better when I have a better idea what I need to not eat and can eat, and how much, and what I can use to now fuel my runs.

I'm also going to work on having less stressful lifestyle, not that it is epic, but I do work ALOT, I generally do work through my lunchbreak, more out of habit than anything else, oh and the rather high workload, but yeah really more out of habit. So I am going to try and reorganise the way I do things both at home, work and socially.

We are getting a cleaner. Never thought I would ever get one, but we are.

Thinking about getting the bulk of my groceries delivered - thinking have not got there yet - i'm not going to be eating that much, so it may also be a waste and I may be better off just going in to shop.

Going to the market every Sunday - to get all my fresh vegies and fruit.

Having time away from the laptop and social media for a few hours each night, and doing other things like reading, travel planning, doing nothing, stretching, talking to people.

Making my bedroom more homely - yeah I'm moving later this year but it doesn't mean it needs to look half lived in for that time.

Buying a foam roller and using it at home, it really would help if I used one at the gym and at home.


Take my lunch break, everyday.

Organise my desk, it's pretty well organised, but I think it could be better.

Plan to cut back hours at second job, yeah i'm still pondering that. Will need to look at my budget at see when this will be possible.


Read more

Try new running routes - when my foot gets better, yes, I'm still stuck on the treadmill.

Venture out in Wellington more, if it's to do more things socially, attend a yoga class, a play, poke about in a shop, just get out there a bit more.

I don't necessarily want to increase the amount of things I'm doing, but I do want to focus on things that are not going to bring any more stress or havoc. I can't control everything, but I can work on making my life more enjoyable in so many ways.

There will of course be more changes as time goes on.

What would you suggest? What worked for you?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

First Steps

I had my weekly pt session today, I had sent an email to my trainer yesterday updating him on the pcos - and wanted to know how that would change our sessions, if at all and my training in general.

Currently I mainly run for exercise, I also have a weekly pt session which is never the same, and I also have core, strength, and stretching work to do. My training for the last year has been planned around my running, and still is.

He says my training is great, I do follow my plan, and work really hard, and have continued to improve. That was really good to hear, I had this fear that maybe I had not been working out hard enough. But as I was reminded today I run long distances you can not run hard and fast for that long, it's not the point.

There is no plan to drastically change my exercise programme as such, our sessions will now be high intensity, where as before we would work on running exercises, new stretches and core work. But core work and that will still be going on, as I said our sessions have never been the same. Until my peroneal injury clears up I won't be doing any super intense running intervals either. At the moment I'm stuck on the treadmill with no incline at a steady pace, I'm dying to go outside for a run - as the weather is getting cooler here by the day, but the physio says no for now, so that's what it is. I did get special permission to do our fundraising run a couple weeks ago though!

He also recommended a homeopath and someone to do some metabolic typing for me, I'll make plans to see both in the next week or two and report back. I'm pretty open to complementary therapies, the only reason there are pain killers in my house is due to running, and that's was just in case during the marathon pain killers, i'm not anti traditional meds mind you, i've just always been pretty healthy, besides a couple of issues, but nothing I had any control over.

I'm on the second day of metformin and I have a little bit of nausea - if it stays like that it will be manageable, any more and it'll get interesting.

Kate commented about my doctor being quite direct about the diabetes and cvd. To be honest my of the appointment is a blur, as I wasn't expecting any of it, but he did say that and explained why...problem is I can't remember the why bit. I have a followup in six weeks (because oh my thyroid in underactive, blood tests are fast here!), and he would like to retest it to see how it is going. I will have alot more questions by then!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I was diagnosed with PCOS this morning.


I knew something was up with my hormones, but assumed it was just because my ovaries had taken such a battering over the years, that it was something to do with that. But I also got to the point where although my diet wasn't very very strict, for the amount of exercise and the way my diet was, I shouldn't have been putting on rate at the way I was, something wasn't right, but I didn't realise how bad it was until today.

My GP was straight up about it, and very clear.

I'm going to get diabetes in the next three years.
I'm have a 4-5 times risk of getting Cardio Vascualar Disease, this double though because I'm overweight. I'll have CVD by the time I'm 50, maybe 55 if I'm lucky - do I have heart disease in my family, yes.
My blood pressure which has always been a little low, or normal is now high.

So the plan is!

1. I need to do intense exercise for at least 5-6 hours a week - I don't really count my running as intense though, I've got pt tomorrow, so will talk with my trainer about it then.

2. I need to think like a diabetic, and see a dietician so I know what I can and can't eat.

3. I need to keep a food diary.

4. I need to decrease my portions and get used to always feeling a little bit hungry.

5. Low carbs, and Low fat.

6. I have to have a load of blood tests.

7. I'm now on metformin, for a very very long time.

8. The dr wants me to seriously consider having gastric sleeve surgery.

Everything is going to have to change.

I had a cry in the doctors office, which is reasonable, you know, I've been overweight since I was 9 and I have always struggled with it, and yeah there have been times where I have been a real lazy shit, but in the last 6 years or so i've really progressed, so seeing the weight not go that way as well as been rather demoralising to say the least. At least I can say I am fit!

The medication has side effects such as nausea and stomach upsets, i'm hoping this doesn't happen to me, but I am on a high dose so it may just end up being that way. I hope it does not play too much havoc with being able to run long distances. I really do love my running.

I'll know more once I have been to the dietician, and read a lot more. I think i'll go over each of the steps in detail over the next few weeks on the blog, along with my symptoms it will help me begin to adjust to things, and have a reference point.

If you have PCOS please get in touch, or know of a blog or a website.

I'm so not impressed right now!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

sweet girl

you sat on the edge of my bed and told me it was over.

i stared at the wall, i remember thinking, don't vomit, please god don't vomit. tears welled, and flowed, and flowed, on both sides. i wanted to say so much, but couldn't, my voice wouldn't work, nothing would. i couldn't look and you and i couldn't touch you, not that i didn't want to, my body just stopped, everything, just stopped. we talked slowly yet carefully, i tried not to break down. the rest is a blur. i remember you telling me that you would always love me, you hand squeezed mine and you kissed me, and then you left.

i remember sitting there for ages, on the bed. just crying, and making myself stay there. eventually i went to the bathroom, and then back to bed, and slept.

i got up the following morning and went for a run, i ran a lot that week and the following months, everything was a fog, and on some days it still is.

i made new routines, new places to go to, to linger, and to be. places we didn't go to. i went to the other gym location, ran earlier in the morning, avoided your end of town, found a new place to have cocktails, and walked a lot - you hated walking, and i guess you still do.

new friends came into my life, old ones left, and the good ones stayed. i shut off, pushed away, and worked, and worked, and drank way to much cider. my bedroom in some kind of revolt became chaos, you were always so neat, i admired that neatness, i think you thought i didn't, but i did.

we've texted now and again, i sent you a birthday and christmas card. told you i missed you, and checked you were okay after the quake, just in case you were there. it's hard when you lose your best friend and partner in one go. i still care, still worry, and yes i'm still madly in love with you.

people ask me if i'm angry or bitter, and no i'm not. shocked, yes, sad, yes. but i find it hard to be anything else.

tonight, it's six months. it's been so long, and at the same time so fast. so much has happened, and yet so much hasn't.

tears run as i type, and i know i need to get this out, write it down, and put it out there, and let go a little bit more.

because it's what i need to do.

and you?

walk on to the porch, sit on the steps, and look at the moon x