sweet girl

you sat on the edge of my bed and told me it was over.

i stared at the wall, i remember thinking, don't vomit, please god don't vomit. tears welled, and flowed, and flowed, on both sides. i wanted to say so much, but couldn't, my voice wouldn't work, nothing would. i couldn't look and you and i couldn't touch you, not that i didn't want to, my body just stopped, everything, just stopped. we talked slowly yet carefully, i tried not to break down. the rest is a blur. i remember you telling me that you would always love me, you hand squeezed mine and you kissed me, and then you left.

i remember sitting there for ages, on the bed. just crying, and making myself stay there. eventually i went to the bathroom, and then back to bed, and slept.

i got up the following morning and went for a run, i ran a lot that week and the following months, everything was a fog, and on some days it still is.

i made new routines, new places to go to, to linger, and to be. places we didn't go to. i went to the other gym location, ran earlier in the morning, avoided your end of town, found a new place to have cocktails, and walked a lot - you hated walking, and i guess you still do.

new friends came into my life, old ones left, and the good ones stayed. i shut off, pushed away, and worked, and worked, and drank way to much cider. my bedroom in some kind of revolt became chaos, you were always so neat, i admired that neatness, i think you thought i didn't, but i did.

we've texted now and again, i sent you a birthday and christmas card. told you i missed you, and checked you were okay after the quake, just in case you were there. it's hard when you lose your best friend and partner in one go. i still care, still worry, and yes i'm still madly in love with you.

people ask me if i'm angry or bitter, and no i'm not. shocked, yes, sad, yes. but i find it hard to be anything else.

tonight, it's six months. it's been so long, and at the same time so fast. so much has happened, and yet so much hasn't.

tears run as i type, and i know i need to get this out, write it down, and put it out there, and let go a little bit more.

because it's what i need to do.

and you?

walk on to the porch, sit on the steps, and look at the moon x