I've been busy, it's the busiest period at work for the whole year, it should be back to normal busy at the end of June!
Also after months of just working I finally added some other activities in my life, yoga and japanese.
Japanese is going okay, it a course for travellers and I am still terrified I am not going to be able to communicate at all in 8 weeks. My teacher assures me I will be fine.
I've also been participating in a beginners yoga course, and loving it. This week, however not so much, and now we come to the title of the post, and then some.
We did a series of cleansing poses tonight, and it just made me feel sad, I could have easily just started to cry, i'm not sure if they were meant to be those kind of cleansing poses or to be honest if they even exist, but yes, I had to try and keep it in.
Then she gave us the option to hang upside down on this swing thing, whilst locked into the wall.
thoughts running through my head.
no fucking way
shouldn't have had that milo dude.
no fucking way
hmm how much weight does that wall hold.
teacher: lucinda relax your face ;-)
what if i get stuck then flip on my arse, or get tangled.
teacher explains the move, explains that wall is reinforced.
thought to self, hmm hmm, no fucking way.
watch half class do it.
do not want to break wall.
wall is reinforced dude, give it a go.
second half class get up, i stay sitting on my cushion.
teacher turns round.
make eye contact which says for the love of god i ain't doing that, be on your way.
teacher meantions we can do it in our one on one class.
oddly i am okay with this, happy to break wall in private.
we do some relaxing poses to end.
i kind of want to cry, but not really.
people, this is the tipping point, light bulb moment, freaking hit over the head with a large object when i realised that me being fat doesn't hold me back from big goals like running marathons and stuff.
it's all that small shit, that adds up.
and it's finally starting to piss me off enough to do something about it.
i'm not sure if i should feel happy or sad about that, and that is okay.
feeling terrified i will break the wall when frankly i wasn't is not.
but the weight has to go, or i'm just going to miss out hanging upside down and seeing the world from a different perspective.
and i really want to do that.