Saturday, September 25, 2010

Filling the Gap

This week has been a complete blur, and I've tried to fill it with anything possible, work, more work, a facial, cleaning, bought a ticket to the theatre, organising, list writing, more work, running - anything that will not give me time to be still, I'm not ready for that yet. Tomorrow I have to run 32km and I have a much needed massage in the afternoon, and go and buy some flowers to plant. I vacuumed the floor tonight, about half way through I realised that they looked they might have already been done, and my housemate didn't say anything so I could do something, which I was grateful for. I took photos and mementos down, and put them in a box in my wardrobe to sift through later, and I've just now seen some lovely cards across on a little table in my room, ugh.

I had Thursday off work, I wasn't sleeping, and yesterday I sat in my shrinks rooms and had a rather huge melt down about the whole thing. I'm still at a loss to understand what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, at all. I'm trying not to find fault in me or them, but I'm starting to think maybe I wasn't pretty enough, exciting enough, worth it, and that makes things so much worse.

I'm so sad, it's like a lost a limb, it's like I lost myself.

4 comments:

Vic said...

Hello honey,

One day at a time, one day at a time and you will get there.. Nothing went wrong nothing... just sometimes it doesn't work and people go in different ways.
It will be ok, you will be ok, you will get through this, you are a strong beautiful woman who will get through this and move on.

xoxoxox

Tully said...

My heart aches for you and I am sending you all my best wishes.

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon.

xxoo

kathrynoh said...

Take care. And stop those horrible thoughts right now. It's so easy to think like that but it's not true. You are a wonderful person who is working hard to achieve some great things in your life. Do what you need to to get through this and stay positive.

Kate said...

Hope the 32k went well :) Keep treating yourself well and doing the things you love and it WILL get better soon.

It's hard not to feel rubbish after a break up, and I totally get how you're feeling. Maybe try to add some deliberate positive affirmation every day- just LOOK at what you're doing for yourself. Running a marathon, conquering debt, managing to squeeze every last bit out of life. You are AWESOME :)