This week has been a complete blur, and I've tried to fill it with anything possible, work, more work, a facial, cleaning, bought a ticket to the theatre, organising, list writing, more work, running - anything that will not give me time to be still, I'm not ready for that yet. Tomorrow I have to run 32km and I have a much needed massage in the afternoon, and go and buy some flowers to plant. I vacuumed the floor tonight, about half way through I realised that they looked they might have already been done, and my housemate didn't say anything so I could do something, which I was grateful for. I took photos and mementos down, and put them in a box in my wardrobe to sift through later, and I've just now seen some lovely cards across on a little table in my room, ugh.
I had Thursday off work, I wasn't sleeping, and yesterday I sat in my shrinks rooms and had a rather huge melt down about the whole thing. I'm still at a loss to understand what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, at all. I'm trying not to find fault in me or them, but I'm starting to think maybe I wasn't pretty enough, exciting enough, worth it, and that makes things so much worse.
I'm so sad, it's like a lost a limb, it's like I lost myself.