Monday, October 11, 2010

as she unravels

I ran 30.6 km, yesterday, so stoked about that. You have NO idea. Now it's taper time, my body is looking forward to a lull, then the big day.

Today, not so good. Got up headed to the gym did lots of stretching and foam roller work after the run yesterday, headed to work.

Open email.

Email from ex.

We had bought tickets to see Sting next year, I offered to buy the other ticket a week or two back, if they didn't want to go anymore.

The email was fine, no drama, nothing.

And then it hit me.

They really are not going to change their mind.
You can't change their mind.
It's over.
Still hoping.
Oh Lucinda, it's really over.

And then the tears came down, and down, and down.
Work mate came to check on me, offered to take me out for a cup of tea, all I needed was a cup of tea and a bit of a chat to calm down, and just concentrate on my work. Not this.

Boss, steps in. No go. Go home.

Everyone heads to meeting, workmate tries to convince boss, that twenty minutes and a cup of tea, that I will be fine, and I need to be around people. And that given what's happened, and I've kept up with my work, am even ahead, I need the company, and not to be alone.

Boss, says no.

I go home.

I get drenched in the rain, and even though it's a ten minute walk home, I don't rush, and get even more drenched. I get home, take off my wet clothes, and just sit on my bed and silent tears stream down my face. I run a hot bath, and soak in it, for what seems like an eternity, and I cry some more. It all just hits, and reality sets in, hard.

It's hard, I'd like to be able to talk about everything in more detail, but for now, I can't. One day, it may make sense and I may be able to spill the beans so to speak. It's not torrid, nothing like that at all.

It's just sad.


Vic said...

Love you baby girl... and its a good thing.. I promise.. just one more step in the moving on process.

Lots of love, as always.. me xoxo

kathrynoh said...

Did anyone at work ask you what you wanted to do?

Would it help to write everything down? Even if you don't post it, just to help clear things up.

green ink said...


I only cried once at work during my divorce, and both the professors I worked for had been divorced and so were very understanding. Sorry you were made to feel so bad by your boss - clearly she hasn't been there :P

Believe it or not, you'll look back on this time and realise how character building it was.

Things will get better. I promise.

One day at a time!!


Shauna said...

Ohhhh that sucks... hug hug hug hug hug xxox

Sue said...

Oh darling, how awful for you. Sending you lots of *hugs*

Margaret said...

*hugs* Am catching up and wanted to let you know I think you are amazing. x