Saturday, October 16, 2010

Days like these

Can you guys tell it’s been one of those weeks? I’m so glad it’s finally over. And I’m glad I don’t feel angry and grumpy anymore. But I still feel sad. Look I don’t want this to turn into a break-upesque blog, but please be patient. I’m an intensely private and shy person. With the majority of my friends overseas. I just need a space now and again to think and write, and know that it’s going somewhere, and by all means comment away, please. Trust me, I have a marathon coming up in almost two weeks, there will be running updates, and all that. So I am sorry if I am boring you all to death!

This week I’ve tried a bit not to fill every waking moment with something, so I still have time for me. I plan to do that a lot more over the coming weeks, I don’t want to think about it, but I need to, and I need to fill the huge void with nice events and nice people and make some new friends, but also fill it with my time, as well it is now all my time – this is sooo strange. Soon enough I’m sure it will fill me with excitement, for now, not so much, just confusion. I thought we would be together forever, and I didn’t see this coming.

Today, during my break I went home and packed up and gave all the stuff we had bought to move in together with back to my ex. I cried. I got yelled at, and realized I didn’t recognize the person standing in front of me anymore and that was heartwrenching. And somewhere in the middle, a tiny part of me, let go. It was small, but significant enough for me to want to try and drag myself out of the hole I’ve hid in for the past few weeks and reach out a bit. And to try and find myself again amongst the ruins.

I have got a lot of plans whirling around in my head, dreams that I stopped thinking about, dreams that I want to think about. And choices and decisions I need to now make for me, and no one else. I need to remember and remind myself that I had really no control over the choice that someone else made. No matter what I do, I can’t change it, and I can’t change myself to fit to someone, anymore.

Next post, let’s go running, yeah?


1 comment:

Margaret said...

Days like these are the stepping stone to your future life. And you may have some more of them - and if you do - great. And if you don't - great. There are no rules on how to feel or how to act. But it is so good to read that you are seeing the light come through the clouds and that light gives you choices and options you may not have had otherwise.

Keep strong xx